Giving Love is Different Than Receiving Love

Giving Love is Different Than Receiving Love

     A few years ago Gary Chapman wrote a book titled, The Five Love Languages and developed a quiz to discover your Love Language. Thus, everyone was super into asking "What's Your Love Language?" The premise of his book and quiz is, if we know how others receive love, we can give them what they require. Many people have claimed the book changed their lives, saved their marriages and even helped them understand themselves better.

     Every year for the past 3 years I have taken the quiz. I usually take it in April because that's when it pops up in my email inbox saying "Hey take me again and see what's changed". Little changes from year to year. My Love Languages are pretty consistent. Receiving Gifts is always at the bottom. Acts of Service and Physical Touch are always vying for the top spot. Words of Affirmation and Quality Time get mixed in the middle somewhere. Yet, if you asked my friends they would likely tell you Gifts is my top love language. WHY? I LOVE to give gifts. To see a smile on someone's face when they open a gift warms my heart. However, that is simply the surface look.

     I strive to be extremely thoughtful in the gifts I give. I once made a grown man cry, at work, in front of all of his co-workers because of my gift. That's not my goal but I do want every person who receives a gift from me to know, this gift was (mostly) purchased specifically with you in mind. So what kind of gifts do I give? Well, for Christmas 2017 I gave, my #Squad, mugs with their initial on it or a decorated wine glass, depending on what their "flavor" is. Only one person got something completely different and that's because she doesn't drink alcohol or coffee. She got an adapter with 5 plugs because she travels. A LOT. For Valentine's Day 2018, I gave my neighbor a card that had a 45 record of Aretha Franklin's Respect in it because he loves records. Another friend, I gave a book of 45ish (the book had 50 but some of them just didn't apply to someone who is just a friend) things I love about him. He's just a friend but we decided to be "lovers" (aka go to lunch together) on Valentine's Day because we wanted to commemorate the day but had no one special to do it with. Also known as, spend Quality Time with each other.

     If you pay close attention to the gifts I give, you will realize they are more than just gifts. The book was really a bunch of Affirmations. The mugs and wine glasses nods to my Quality Time spent with these friends or something of Service to them in their lives. Why is realizing this important? First, because, as Gary noted, everyone doesn't receive love in the same way. Second, everyone doesn't GIVE love in the same way. Lastly, the way that someone gives love is not necessarily how they receive love.

     Love, the verb, is a complex word and concept to understand but really considering Love Languages is very helpful. If you haven't read the book or taken the quiz YOU SHOULD! Follow the links above and see what if anything, you learn about yourself.

For the Record My Results from the Last 3 Years are Below:
 April 2016                                  April 2017                                        February 2018
10 Acts of Service                       8 Physical Touch                               8 Acts of Service
7   Physical Touch                       7 Acts of Service                               6 Physical Touch
6   Quality Time                          5 Quality Time                                   6 Quality Time
4   Words of Affirmation             5 Words of Affirmation                     6 Words of Affirmation
3   Receiving Gifts                      5 Receiving Gifts                               4 Receiving Gifts

It's not a time issue, It's a priority issue

     A few years ago I was ending a first date and as the gentleman walked me to my car he said, "we should do this again". My response..."sure if we can find the time". To which he replied "well you make time for what is a priority". We never went out again.

     It had taken us 3 weeks to schedule this date because we both had seemingly very busy schedules. He worked full-time and was a budding photographer and DJ. Me, I worked 2 jobs averaging 50 - 60 hours a week. It took quite a bit to coordinate our schedules for this first date...at the movies.

     Forget that he suggested a first date at the movies then wanted to be a priority in my life. Let's pretend this was a reasonable request. What he didn't know and I failed to realize was him being a priority was irrelevant.  The real issue was that dating was not a priority for me. I worked two jobs because I needed the money to pay bills and travel. Those were my priorities. Also, after spending 5 years in a relationship that almost broke me in the end, I was top priority.

He in fact was not a priority. Why should he be? If I had not found time to make dating a priority, I certainly wasn't prepared to make a person a priority. What was a priority? Reestablishing myself, Learning myself, Loving myself, Building a network, sista circle and Making friends.

Maybe if he had considered my priorities and got in where he fit in, made an effort to continue to get to know me things would have ended differently. Or maybe, just maybe if he hadn't chosen the movies as a first date. Or maybe there was nothing he could do because him and dating was not a priority.

This isn't simply relevant with dating. Consider your work environment. What things aren't you pleased with?  Is it possible that your priorities and the priorities of the decision makers are different? I realized how much this comes in to play at my last job. I was hard pressed to finish my hours for my LPC licensure. That was not the priority of my Supervisor and thus friction ensued.

Another time I saw this in action was when I was a senior in high school. All I wanted was out of my parents house. My mother was determined I go to college. She wanted college, I wanted Beauty School. Friction ensued. The next time you find yourself wondering about something that isn't going your way, take self out of the picture and consider the priorities in place. Sometimes people don't have time for the things you want because your priorities and their priorities are not aligned.

Why I Watched the Super Bowl and Don't Care About Your Judgment

Why I Watched the Super Bowl and

Don't Care About Your Judgment

1 - My family bleeds green

2 - The protest was sold

3 - I'm grown

I will start with this third point first. I'm grown and as a grown up I gonna make my own decisions, #JanetJacksonAppreciationDay. Just like I decided to begin my protest, I decided to end my protest. With the season winding down, I had already begun the internal conversation about next season and what I would do. With my team making a run for the 'ship, the protest having been sold to the lowest bidder and many hours of family time missed, I had already decided, I didn't want to continue my protest next season. The terms of the collective protest were never really clearly identified for me but my personal protest was intended to bring awareness. Bring awareness to the injustices I perceived to be happening to my community as a black woman in America. Bring awareness to the collective power of my community. And most importantly bring awareness to my option to choose.

Far too often as a woman in America I don't have a voice. Not I don't have an opinion or speak out but rather my voice is not heard. My voice is not valued, it is not given weight in America. This protest of mine as a black woman in America was my way of silently speaking loudly. In all honesty, if I don't watch a football game on Sundays my world still turns. Neilson ratings don't change because I don't have cable so my viewing isn't personally clocked. What is impacted when I choose not to watch is I don't meet friends at bars and restaurants, I don't buy food or drinks to meet at someone's house. This was where I knew the impact of me not watching would be noticed. Exactly where it needed to be...in my community. As up in arms as we get about Presidential elections and actions of Congress what moves the needle the most is the actions in our community. I feel for Sandy Hook and Trayvon's parents but what shook my world was when a police officer slammed a girl to the ground in her bikini, when a little boy was shot in the head with a rifle while in the car with his brother as they left a party. Or when I had an impromptu day off of work because a protest turned deadly. SO my protest was meant to make those near me take notice of my plight, of my life.

The second reason I decided to watch the Super Bowl was because someone decided to sell the protest to the lowest bidder. I am not here to debate my opinion on this subject. What I am here to discuss is, this is an unfortunate side effect of not having clearly defined what the point of a protest is. The Montgomery Bus Boycott was definitely about Civil Rights. However, it was clearly about being able to sit anywhere on the bus. Malcolm and Martin did not agree about how to achieve civil rights in this country but they came to the forefront with a clear and decisive outcome they were interested in achieving. It seems to me that is the organization that is missing from today's current civil rights era. Which is actually sad because with the internet and social media there is no better and easier time to organize people. Imagine if the internet had been invented when the March on Washington occurred. I believe about a quarter of a million people showed up. With the internet, it would have easily been a million. Think the women's march the day after the last Presidential inauguration.

The NFL responded to end the protests but much like the bus drivers of the Mongomery Bus boycott, I believe the NFL is just a victim of circumstance. Now the owners are a different story but the NFL as a whole was the platform used to bring awareness to push for change. They can chagne their policies, have more black and brown bodies in seats of power in their organization, allow the black and brown bodies they build million and billion dollar empires on the backs of the freedom of speech the constitution grants them but what the grand outcome of the protest was far out of their hands. I believe the big ask of this protest was to stop turning a blind eye to the pain, death and destruction systematically brought upon black and brown people in America. That is far beyond the NFL's reach even if it is not beyond their impact.

Lastly, I was BORN AND RAISED in Camden, NJ less than 5 miles from City Hall in Philadelphia. My mother once grounded me because I asked her to sign a permission slip during an Eagles game, a time when I knew she was not to be bothered. I have fond memories of going to Eagles games at the Vet and Sixers games at the Spectrum. It was a sad day when those buildings were demolished to make way for the Linc and whatever name is on the Sixers/Flyers building now. I mean it was time but...anyway. My family bleeds green. So much so if you watched the Super Bowl with us Sunday we found something green or Eagles for you to wear while you were in the house with us. At a time when adulting has taken over, Sundays during football season is a time when my family slows down and comes together. Much like the sacrifice of walking instead of taking the bus, I sacrificed (collective) family time for this protest of mine. Understand my family sees the injustices and handles them their way but much like those who still took the bus, (everybody didn't protest the Montgomery bus system) football wasn't something my family was willing to give up. So while they watched I strengthen relationships with my friends who were protesting as well. It was time well spent but I sure missed my family. And they kept me updated every Sunday as our team made a run for the 'ship.

Understand, though I was born and raised in Jersey, I now live in cowgirl country. SO to see my team excel and the cowgirls flop was one of the best times of my life. Now imagine Sunday after Sunday, not spending time with family, not out at bars with friends talking trash. IT WAS A SACRIFICE! I still talked trash but in the middle of a game to strangers who are too big for their, haven't won a ring since 1992 britches, ah, there are fewer joys in life. For the entire season, I remained steadfast in my protest and as the week before the Super Bowl approached my cousin said I should come watch the game at his house. Him, his dad, his mom and their families were all coming together to watch. This was my last time to join my family for some COLLECTIVE quality time until next season. As much as we love Basketball that's just a harder more rigorous schedule to consistently come together for. I decided it was time for my protest to end.

You see ending my protest wasn't really about watching the game. It was about seeing my uncle who is on the other side of this journey called life watch the team he grew me to love win a ring. It was witnessing my cousin sing the Eagles fight song after EVERY touchdown. It was watching the kids dance to the Trolls song (they have no idea who Justin Timberlake is and don't care if he brings sexy back...he didn't by the way). Ending my protest meant having my two teenage cousins, who are usually ghosts when I visit their house, pile on me while I sat in a chair during the game. It meant CoCo (me) getting hugs from my cousins' kids who are growing waaaayyyyy to fast. In short, ending my protest meant quality time. 

I will continue to fight for the injustices I see, but for now, it will not be in protest of the NFL.

Class Pass

As I begin my second week of Class Pass I’m excited, invigorated and motivated.

Last week I was so disappointed in how out of shape I let myself get. I hadn’t realized the depth of my physical decline. My build is naturally athletic. Add Four years of high school track, cheerleading and four nights a week dance classes. Plus 3 years of college cheerleading I had super fly physique. However, after moving to Texas (a car state) from Philadelphia (a pedestrian city) I gained 15 pounds in a year. This was in addition to the 15 pounds I’d gained in the decade since graduating college.

My adventures into Class Pass began with a strengthening class at a cross fit-ish gym. This was ok. The instructor had a warm up and then a 3 circuit routine I did while he tried to sell me Herb-A –Life. I may go back to this gym but never when he’s teaching, too much talking in between sets.

Tuesday, Body Sculpt class. I may have died here. In the 30 minutes it took to drive home, climb the stairs to my second floor apartment, I knew this 50 minute body weight class was going to make me pay for falling out of shape.

Wednesday I tried surfing. Not literallyJ, an indoor surfer inspired class. This was the most unique. I had never tried anything like it. They rig surf boards on some type of system that simulates being on the water. Yes, I fell…multiple times.

By Wednesday when I laughed my abs made me pay. I had one more class I’d signed up for. Thursday was boxing. It was all I thought it would be and more. I never realized how many muscles were in my hand until I needed them to punch a bag. My hands trembled for the rest of the day.

Five minutes into each of these classes I questioned my sanity. I reminded myself; I hated how the top of my back touches the lower part of my back. I considered how much it would cost to replace my wardrobe that was growing tighter each day. Lastly, I thought about how my thighs had worn a hole in my favorite jeans but I was still trying to hold on to them.

I began my second week today. I’ve decided to take all of my classes before work since I’ve found being charged extra money for not showing up is a constant motivator to get out of bed at 6 am. I ensure I get my workout in and it helps me get to work on time.

My class today was Powerbelle. I took it at the studio I took Body Scuplt. It’s described as a Barre on crack. I’ve never taken Barre but my body would agree. Today I was ten minutes in before I thought why am I doing this. Then I reminded myself…I have one body, one life and I want them to be the best they can be.

Expect Expectations

Ex-pec-ta-tion

     :a belief that something will happen or is likely to happen

We develop expectations one of two ways: 1. how things have happened in the past or 2. how we would behave.  This the usual scaffolding humans do as they navigate through life.  They use the knowledge gained in the past to inform the present.

For example, as a child we were told, “don’t touch the stove, it’s hot”, for some that was enough.  We developed an expectation that the stove was hot because clearly someone in the past had discovered it was hot.  For others we still had to wander near the stove and feel the heat radiating from it.  Then, of course, there are those of us who had to touch the hot stove because we had to learn first hand.  Regardless, we developed a future expectation based on past experience.

In the event we have no past experiences to inform us, we usually think, “how would I respond”.  This may be the most dangerous expectation.  We are all unique, wonderful individuals and comparing or expecting another to behave as you would is asking them to be you.  It removes a little bit of their individuality and it doesn’t make you as open to learning the person in front of you.

However, when expectations are communicated and allowed to be fluid we truly begin to learn.  As humans we cannot help but to heave expectations.  It is our way of preparing ourselves for what lies ahead.  So we should all expect expectations, we should never expect someone to have the same expectations as us.  We should instead encounter each person (even the ones we have known for a LONG time) as a individual to be learned.  We should expect to learn their expectations and to share ours.

You're Only as Successful as the Options You Choose

Living life in the limelight has to be difficult.  Unfortunately, for the rich and famous this is the price that they have to pay.  Fortunately for the rest of society many people choose to do this everyday and we get to learn from them. 

Oftentimes it is their failures and shortcomings giving lessons of what not to do.  However, every now and then we can garner something positive and profound from the headlines.

This was the case in the recent media blast of Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith separating.  They are not new to having their lives and marriage scrutinized or questioned.  Each and every time they operate in what could be described as dignified.  Never being upset or short, simply understanding that this is what they signed up for and respond in a short and sweet fashion.

The recent headlines of yet another alleged issue/split of their marriage caused the resurfacing of some old  interviews and articles.  One interview that can be learned from and thus should not be forgotten is Will's 2008 interview with Ellen.  When asked about his marriage he stated, "What I found is divorce just can't be an option.  It's really that simple.  And I think that's the problem with L. A. - there are so many options.  So a huge part of the success for [Jada] and I is that we just removed the other options".

This is an important lesson .  Regardless of the situation a huge part of succeeding  is removing the other options.  The option to fail, the option to go in another direction, the option to change course, the option to change one's mind, the option to quit.  Instead make a choice and commit to stick with that option.

It is unrealistic to think things will always go as planned, success will be packaged as desired or that there won't be difficult roads to travel.  It is more like the reported response of Thomas Edison to a New York Times reporter when asked about his hundreds or thousands of failures in making a light bulb.  He responded, "I have not failed 1,000 times.  I have successfully discovered 1,000 ways not to make a light bulb".  Or so the story goes.

In that instance he removed failure as an option.  It was the tenacity and outlook that helped him to be successful.  This is not promoting a blind perusal of a goal it's more a reminder to stay faithful to success and you will succeed.